I missed him so much as a child, I wished and prayed and hoped for him to come around but he just never did. I don’t mean physically, although he did very little of that, I mean for him to be my father.
I waited with bated breath for the day he will see the error of his ways and come around and try to pursue a relationship with me but that day still hasn’t come to this day and I have to admit that has played a big part to why I am so drawn off when it comes to any kind of relationship that could potentially mean my feelings will be hurt, I have a very sturdy wall built up and very few have managed to climb over it.
My father’s idea of being a father to me was him coming to my home, talk to me for a few minutes and leave. I have very little memory of when I was five, I may have been six but the one thing I remember to this day is that it was the year you vanished and left me a fatherless daughter. You brought me some snacks and then drove me to KFC to buy a bucket of chicken then you dropped me home and gave me R100, perhaps my memory is vague but that is what has latched on to my memory. Now that I think about it, the memories I have at this age are not happy memories, like the time a young boy dragged me to the nearby bushes.
My earliest memory I have of him is when I was 5, I don’t know how many times he came to my home but after this particular visit, things changed. You just were never there anymore, no call, no visits, no checking on me, you completely cut me off yet you say you are my father. I went on with life pretending that other peoples fathers were mine and for a while, I didn’t even know your name so I lied whenever I was asked who you were. I could not even remember anymore what you looked like yet I’ve been told I look just like you, the irony.
I went through life as if I was ok but deep down my insecurities grew, what was so wrong with me that you chose to abandon me, why did you forget about me, did you want me at all. Resentment grew, jealousy grew, hatred for men grew, Thank God for those who were around otherwise I shudder to think what could have become of me.
I cried myself to sleep, the cuts you left were too deep and for eleven years I felt so cheap,
unwanted, unloved, not worth your time, your presence, your love, you just never made me feel like I was good enough.
I took the bricks of disappointment to build a wall so steep, my emotions buried under a heap,
of distrust and negative feelings but I had to stand on my feet and seek love within myself because all you made me feel is weak.
At 16 I called you, hoping that things will change but no I was wrong the relationship between us remains to be strange, but I still wanted more because no matter what your blood runs through my veins, I tried to give you the benefit of doubt because I was hoping you would eventually come around but whenever I think of you my lips are in a constant frown.
For the longest time all I felt for you was rage, I felt so bitter yet as soon as I accepted our situation I felt so free, my life became so much brighter, my outlook on life much broader, I’m a fighter and right now at this moment without you, I think my life is way better, It took me a long time to get here, I feel so much stronger and with confidence, I go on to say I no longer see myself as a fatherless daughter.
